Failure.

One of the first things I have uncovered in this book "the Out of Sync Child" is a slightly different approach to looking at Abbi's actions and emotions. After 4 1/2 years of trying to figure her out, and being unsuccessful, I myself felt like I had failed.

So how does Abbi feel? How does she feel when she cant get her mind to move her foot correctly so that she can get over that step without falling? How does she feel when she cant get her fingers to grasp the puzzle and transmit the information from her brain to her hands to put the piece in the right place? How does she feel when she sees me get so frustrated at her frustration? She feels like a failure.

For myself, my own failure is one of my biggest fears. I am so afraid to fail, ESPECIALLY at parenting. its my life's highest calling... to pass the torch and be a good parent to raise and love and nurture my children to be the kind of people who feel loved and supported and grow to be contributing members of society who love God. Knowing that my frustration at my own feelings of failure regarding parenting have rubbed off on Abbi, to where she feels as though she has somehow failed, is heartwrenching.

This only furthers my goal of wanting to explore what it is that is making Abbi tick. I will not let her feel like a failure. She is amazing and wonderful as she is today... every day I love her more and more even though I cant imagine having the capacity to love more than I do now. She amazes me and has taught me so much not only about her, and about beauty, and love... and yes, special needs, but also about myself. She is truly God's gift to me... and I wont let her feel like a failure. She isnt.